Doctor

<<<<<<< So now Dr. Find me a woman already, has had the opportunity to take his barter game to the masses via Howard Stern. I can only imagine how this will change his dating dilemma. 😉 >>>>>>>>>

I don’t even know how I feel about this. Disgusted was my first thought then well, disgusted again. Somewhere down the line I wondered, is this REALLY what a New York City surgeon has to do to get a date? I mean, REALLY?? The answer—in case you were wondering—is ABSOLUTELY, if you are a weirdo.

Dr. Emil Chynn is a New York City Plastic Surgeon. He is a Columbia grad with his residency at Harvard and self-professed member of Mensa. He is having a hard time finding a date. I was trying to muster up some sympathy—really I was, but HOW? When the rest of the single world is lowering the bar—and I mean low enough for Dachshund to walk under it, he has a list of demands—I mean preferred qualities that really aren’t so much preferred as they are REQUIRED. The fact that he has been going at this for some time makes me wonder how Dr. Mensa hasn’t figured out that perhaps his approach needs some modification.

This guy’s pathology upon further investigation shows a history of creepy craigslist ads going back some time, offering women who must show a photo, an amazing deal on a West Village Apartment in return for “cooking, cleaning, and other unspecified favors”. (Nothing sexual) Another ad on craigslist going a few years back offered a free studio on Park Avenue in return for being his physicians assistant, walking on his back for an hour—if you are under 115 lbs and being a woman. Also, tidying up his ski house, his beach house, and his OTHER beach house. AND, of course, find him a girlfriend. He has been at this A WHILE.

After a recent networking event, Dr. Goodsense sent out a mass email in order to rein in his dream girl. This is for real. Well, in that I am delusional and think I am getting a unicorn for my birthday kind of real. I really hoped these requirements had been revised BUT they have not changed since his 2012 endeavor. Requirements… Age: 27-35 (Ideally 28-34), No Kids, wants kids in the next 1-2 years, College graduate, doesn’t have to be a great school, but needs to have finished the degree, Skinny, (i.e. dress size 0-2), Caucasian, (not Black, Hispanic, or Asian), Healthy lifestyle, (defined as no smoking, no drugs, good diet, no hard drinking). Is now a good time to mention that our socially challenged physician is 47 years old?

Well, I just don’t know why the offers aren’t flooding in. The perks to setting up Dr. Delusional with the girl of his dreams—actual DREAMS—are quite enticing. Our awesome Columbia University Alumni, Lasik doc—from his Park Avenue office, has offered $100 for finding him a 1^st date. And if Doctor Super Picky has a 2^nd date, you could score some of his offices cosmetic procedures! Yes, for a 2^nd date you could have free eyelash enhancer or $200. This is sounding more like a Chuck Woolery production at every turn. On the very unlikely chance of that coveted 3^rd date, you could have Botox or $300. For the nearly implausible 4^th date he offers free Juvederm injections or $400. And were there a sign of the apocalypse 5th date, you could have free Lasik surgery on ONE eye—a $2,000 value—or $500 cash.

In my very brief defense of Dr. Demento, he admits to being “picky”. And, I sincerely hope he can resolve himself to being single. I only pray there isn’t a woman out there that finds his brand of E-harmony at all alluring. Even if I fit ALL of his qualifications, which I do not, I wouldn’t want anyone for whom these are the deal breakers. I am guessing it is perfectly fine if this elusive and ideal woman of his listens to death metal while torturing insects in the sun with a magnifying glass. I imagine she can also have horrifying hygiene or be a hoarder. Of course she can, as long as she is a college grad who hasn’t eaten since graduation.

There is a part of me that actually wonders how this turns out for him. This is reality TV without the TV. I might have to rely on the Huffington Post for updates. But is this really the world we live in? I realize how hard it is to find someone in a society where we are all so busy that eating a proper meal and getting enough sleep takes a back seat to our jobs and careers, and maybe I am just a romantic at heart, but I would never put such stringent “qualifications” on a human being. He is missing out on the HUMANITY of humans. Then again, I am not sure that Dr. Strangelove understands humans outside the cadavers he studied in med school. Good luck, DOC, and you might want to check out an old movie… Weird Science—suits you.

DDJ *never dating a doctor*

Seriously…. REALLY?

I am going to go out on a limb here and say that a great many of you have a doctor whom you like, but your doctor has a staff you would like to strangle. I know a little bit about this subject. I’ve managed a cardiology practice for well over 20 years. Speaking only from personal experience, I am going to give a few tips to ingratiate yourself to the staff, make you their “favorite” patient, and in turn have the doctor put you to the top of his or her triage list of phone calls he or she doesn’t want to make.

Upon visiting a doctor for the first time, or ANY time, have with you something we in the business like to call an “insurance card”. It would be equally helpful if you actually KNEW who your carrier is and—I don’t want to get crazy here—but what your copay is. Also, don’t put your hand out with 3 cards because you get a new one each year and never get rid of the old one… and then expect the already miffed staff to “figure it out”. Some form of Identification would be welcome as well. I am sure this sounds insurmountable, but trust me, it isn’t.

Questions NO one who works with doctors wants to hear:

“Is the doctor here yet?”

“Is he running on time?”

“How long will I be?

“I know I don’t have an appointment, but I was in the neighborhood. Think I can be seen?”

In a crowded doctor’s office, I find it best to befriend the front desk people. An example of a reasonable question would be, “how many patients are ahead of me?” And NEVER even try that last one–EVER. Though my office has a plethora of amazing magazines, none greater than 3 months old, presume yours does not. Bring something to occupy your time that is SILENT. There is the possibility, however incredibly LIKELY, that you will be there for a while. 😉

If possible, so as to not be a block away when you think of another question, write them down and bring them with you. NOT a hundred of them on index cards, but the pertinent and important ones. I dare say a little common sense will be required here. Also, it is probably best to NOT start a sentence with “I read on line….” Even if you did, the doctors I know aren’t very fond of the self treating patient who knows better.

When calling your now befriended office staff, keep up the good work. Leave a clear and concise message, a phone number where you can actually be reached, and… this is key… if you do not hear back from your beloved physician in a reasonable amount of time, it is perfectly fine to call back. (Do NOT wait 3 weeks and call back angry and ready to rip heads off. I am afraid that tactic is counterproductive.) There is hardly the need to be nasty about it to the staff. A simple, I have not heard back yet, preferably with an upbeat tone and minus the demonizing of the staff. It’s not as if the doctor tried to call and had his hands lopped off by their underpaid staff. (That is just a guess.)

Notice the signs. Not the signs from the heavens above, but the actual, physical signs that say things like, no cell phones, no eating, if you have any demographic changes, please tell the receptionist, copay expected at time of visit, please have identification. Crazy, insane things like that. Trust me, there ARE signs. And much like those from heaven above, they are mostly ignored.

When dealing with the front office staff, remember that they are the first line of defense. They whisper their opinions to the physician that you are about to see. It would be in your best interest to befriend them from the get-go. As things stand now, even as computerized as we have become, you will encounter humans. The human element in any situation is going to make some determining factors. Again, since I speak only from PERSONAL experience, I can say with very little doubt that all will go much more smoothly when there is a calm and friendly relationship with the STAFF. It trickles UP to the physician and then across to the patient.

Office protocols differ from office to office, and that lag time in a cold lonely room can be exasperating. I personally have wandered out in my gown to see if the lights were on or had everyone just left me there. Still there is a more or LESS obnoxious way to handle that scenario. Mostly, I realize that I have not been forgotten, I have been waylaid while the doctor is off seeing someone else or on a call with a physician… or something completely irrelevant to your care completely. (Not an excuse, but an explanation—also not how I run my office.) If need be, peek out and NICELY make sure they haven’t forgotten you as they chatter amongst themselves doing absolutely nothing. Barking like a rabid dog will again, not make a good impression. Remember, you aren’t wearing clothes.

In any case, my philosophy is go there expecting the worst and hoping for the best in both your time spent, and even your prognosis. I suppose my point is, you are likely to get the grand and royal treatment if you start off on the right foot and not bite the hand that can leave you in a freezing room, naked for a really long time, and drop you to the bottom of the call back list somewhere after your doctor’s malpractice insurance agent. 🙂

DDJ

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This prescription may cause…

Doctor

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